One terrible, dreary day, a nasty little fiend punched me in the stomach with the cursed book you now hold in your hands. Between its miserable covers, you will find the absolutely true tales of Cinderella, Rapunzel, Hansel and Gretel, the Three Little Pigs, and Red Riding Hood. By true, I mean they're not the old, lying, deceiving fairy tales that most likely tricked you into believing that only good-looking, royal-type people, talking pigs, or poor wee tikes with evil stepmothers could ever find love, joy, and delicious things to eat.
That is as false as false can be. If you want to live happily ever after and skip through each day with a light, carefree heart; read this terrifying book and discover the true secret of life.
But be warned. If you do read it, and you choose to ignore the lessons it contains, you will find yourself in terrible danger. And if you don't read it, you'll be in even more trouble. So you'd better read it.
Hopefully in good but more likely in bad,
Sir Jasper Gowlings